Discarded Article Ideas

• An Interview with the World’s Smartest Beer

• This One Guy in My Apartment — by Chris Crane

  This one guy in my apartment always wears fucking Achewood T-shirts….

• Craniac and Eugenius Tête-à-Tête

  Do spiders have neurons?
  Eugenius:	No.
  Craniac:	Yes.	Correct

• Apartment Analects

  Nuggets of wisdom culled from everyday conversations around the apartment.

  • If you hate something, set it free; maybe it will never come back.
  • On tying shoelaces using double-knots: If it’s worth doing once, it's worth doing twice once.
  • On preparing for a verbal altercation while lounging around the apartment in boxer shorts: Oh, it’s on. And so are the pants. But not the gloves. They are off.

• Alternate versions of the Chris Crane Town ad

  

• Original film review of The Third Man

  Although more than half a century has passed since the release of Carol Reed’s cinematic masterpiece, The Third Man stands as a model of suspense and a touchstone for modern filmmakers and, in addition, serves as a remarkable document of a shell-shocked, postwar Europe.

  Shot on location on the streets and in the sewers of Vienna, this noir thriller begins with the death of the story’s central figure, Harry Lime, promptly launching the mystery that propels the rest of the film. Graham Greene wrote the wonderfully nuanced script after first crafting a fully fleshed-out novel that he could use as the basis for the screenplay, and Anton Karas’s haunting zither theme scores impeccable performances by Joseph Cotten and Orson Welles.

  Crane was three sheets to the wind by the time we started the DVD, but I was able to infer from his still expression and his lack of slumber that he enjoyed the subtle use of skewed camera angles and Welles’s renowned cuckoo-clock speech. The annoyed glances he gave in response to my well-nigh incessant drunken commentary led me to conclude that the movie had successfully captured his full interest and that he would likely bestow The Third Man with four Cranes, the highest possible rating I am allowed to imagine that he would give to a movie.